


Silence

by driverfever



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Gen, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Throne Room Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:07:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27430972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/driverfever/pseuds/driverfever
Summary: Ben kills Snoke and realizes his whole world has changed. As in, that voice that's been in his head forever is gone. What now?
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 9
Kudos: 45





	Silence

**Author's Note:**

> This is a little piece that popped into my head that I decided to flesh out and post as a one-shot. I always thought it was interesting that after Snoke was supposedly in Ben's head his whole life, he seemed no different after killing him. Of course, that's explained in TROS because it was really Palpatine, not Snoke, all along. But, I wanted to explore this idea that if it was Snoke, and Palpatine never came back, he was clearly affected by Snoke's absence in his head.
> 
> For those reading my SW/HP crossover Dance in the Dark, I am so, so sorry for the lack of update over the last month; I've hit an absolute brick wall on that one and am slowly working through it. My hope is to have that next chapter within a week, so in the meantime I hope you enjoy this.
> 
> Rating: I rated this T purely due to allusions to violence and death that align with canon.

“Ben!” Her scream reached his ears immediately, warning him of the lightsaber that was now flying toward him. She needn't have warned him, his eyes having already been focused on her despite his imminent death at the hands of the guard who currently had him trapped in a chokehold. He ignited the saber, its blade piercing the mask of the last of the Praetorian Guard. He deactivated the saber, the now inert hilt falling to the ground at his side.

The silence was deafening. _Deafening._

Rey stared at him for an instant before whirling around to survey the destruction taking place outside the _Supremacy_. She focused on the glass disc so clearly displaying the obliteration of the Resistance, the tenseness of her shoulders a clear sign of her horror and distress. 

Ben dropped to his knees. _The silence._ He could barely hear her over the silence. 

“The fleet. Order them to stop firing, there's still time to save the fleet!” She turned then, looking back over her shoulder. Wondering at his lack of response. Her eyes fell to his hunched form. 

_The silence._ He dropped further now, his palms braced flat on the floor in front of him, the lightsaber forgotten at his side. He couldn't draw a full breath. The realization of what had happened drowned him in confusion and horror. _The Force._

The void in his head became obvious now. The Force was gone. He hadn't noticed right away, the threat of the Praetorian Guard distracting him from the colossal shift. He shook his head but abandoned the action quickly, the swimming sensation making him dizzy. He leaned down, pressing his forehead to the cool surface of the floor. His heart still beat wildly, whether a remnant of the recent exertion or a sign of his internal panic, he wasn't sure. He focused on the feeling, letting it ground him. He imagined that steady rhythm, along with his breathing, tethering him to the present, to reality. The rest of him felt ready to float away, the silence in his head leaving him lost and bereft. 

The gentle hand on his back startled him and the fingers tentatively stroked the space between his shoulder blades. He focused on Rey's hand, on her presence. 

“What's wrong?” The words were hushed as if soothing a frightened animal, but he could detect the worry coating her tone. He swallowed, slowly lifting himself upright until he made contact with her concerned gaze. 

“It's gone.” The croaked words were nearly inaudible and he was surprised she understood them. Her brow furrowed as her hand stilled, now resting on his shoulder. 

“What's gone? The fleet? No, not yet. We have to stop the attack, you can-” Her hurried words were cut off as he corrected her.

“The Force.” He couldn't string any other words together, his confusion over this turn of events still clouding his thought processes. Despite the stilted conversation, the silence around him still pervaded his every sense, leaving him with the helpless feeling of floating away into space. He couldn't pinpoint how exactly this had come about. He'd never heard of anyone just _losing_ their ability to use the Force. 

Rey's face scrunched up in confusion before she snapped her mouth shut, seemingly coming to a decision.

“We'll figure it out, I promise. Right now we need to-” Her words were cut off again, this time from a tremendous jolt as the _Supremacy_ lurched as if running aground on open seas, the world around them both tilting dangerously as metal screeched and the distant sound of explosions filled the air. 

They both glanced out the viewport this time, gasping at the glittering array of debris flying outward before them. The remainder of the Resistance appeared to be escaping at last, headed for the greyish planet in the near distance. Rey glanced back at Ben, her face set with determination. 

“We have to go. The ship's been hit.” Her words held an undercurrent of urgency and Ben clambered to his feet to follow her, still useless and reeling from the shift in his reality. It occurred to him belatedly that he should probably point her in the direction of the escape pods, but she seemed to be doing perfectly well on her own and had already located Snoke's personal one. He followed her onboard, collapsing heavily into the small seat next to the pilot's seat. 

Within seconds they were launched away from the flailing _Supremacy_ , and both gasped as they got a look at the damage. The ship appeared to have been split in two, pieces of both the First Order ship and what looked like it had once been the _Raddus_ spread through the surrounding space. Rey's heart sank at the implication. She turned back to her controls, setting the escape pod on a path for the planet the Resistance seemed to be headed to. Once that was done, she turned to Ben.

He had been watching her figure out how to fly the pod, trying to focus on her movements and decisions to keep himself tethered. The emptiness was still deafening and he didn't know how to exist in this reality. He'd never felt anything like this before. He imagined it to be similar to the sensory deprivation tanks the First Order favored in stormtrooper conditioning. He felt her gaze come to rest on him, the weight of it somehow comforting.

“What do you mean, the Force is gone?” Her question was curious, gentle, not the demanding inquisition he had expected. He paused for a minute, struggling to put his thoughts together.

“I can't hear it. It's gone. Quiet. I didn't notice until we finished fighting. I don't know how...” He trailed off, thinking back once again in an effort to find answers. How could it have just disappeared? It had done so right after killing Snoke, yet he had fought the Guard with Rey with no problems. Had he done that without the help of the Force? It seemed unlikely.

Ben noticed Rey shaking her head slowly, a frown on her lips. She seemed to be deep in thought as well. 

“It's not gone. I can feel it. Around you, I mean. You're still there if I reach out. And you used it while we were fighting. I felt it.” She spoke slowly, turning the words over in her head as she voiced them. “Have you tried to reach out? Maybe it's... dormant? Or you blocked it?” Her brow was still creased in concentration as she tried to think of any possible explanations. 

He reached out tentatively, worried about any possible effects of trying to do so if it was truly gone. The worry evaporated as he felt her presence next to him, felt his mother in the distance. It was still there. The relief that overwhelmed him caused him to let out a gusting breath before it abated. The initial reassurance was overcome by bewilderment as the Force's continued presence just confused him even more.

He could feel the energy surrounding him, the presence of the Force still there, ready for him to draw upon it. But it was waiting. Undemanding. 

“You're right. It's there.” He worked his lips together, pausing for a moment to consider this new development. “Why is it... quiet?” 

“What, you mean that hum? It comes and goes for me. Is that not normal?” Rey was biting her lip now, and he regretted the worry he caused her about her own abilities. 

“No. The voice. The one that tells you... things.” He trailed off lamely, unsure how to describe it. He figured Rey would know what he meant. He was surprised to see her confusion deepen. 

“Voice?” Her tone was higher pitched this time, her mild alarm brushing against his consciousness.

“Yeah. The one that guides you, tells you what you need to do.” He was surprised by her agitation. He'd never imagined that someone could experience the Force so differently. 

“There's never been a voice. Just... feelings. Like, just _knowing_ in the back of my mind. Drawing me places.” Rey kept her voice quiet as she told him this, tilting her head slightly to study him. She seemed just as intrigued by the vast difference between their experiences. 

“It's always been there. Telling me what the next step was. I assumed everyone felt it the same way.” He shrugged, sidetracked now by this new information. The curious side of him wanted to learn more about the reasons behind the differences. He wondered if others had documented this phenomenon. He was pulled out of his musings by Rey's voice and was startled to see tears in her eyes.

“Ben.” She blinked, and one tear made its way out the corner of her eye, tracking down her cheek as he watched. He felt his heart clench at her upset, wishing he'd never brought up the voice, or its absence, to begin with. He cursed inwardly. Of course the difference would be meaningful to her, he could feel constantly her insecurity, her doubt that she belonged. The knowledge that she didn't have the same experience with the Force as he did would undoubtedly eat at her. But it shouldn't upset her. It didn't matter. 

Rey's hand reached over to brush his, her fingers coming to settle on top of his. He dropped his eyes to her hand, wondering at the gentle contact.

“When did it go quiet?” The tears remained in her eyes, and his thoughts stuttered to a halt at her abrupt change in topic. He wished she was willing to voice her uncertainty.

“Right before the Praetorian Guard attacked.”

“So right after you... killed Snoke.” He nodded. “ _Ben_.” He frowned, feeling like he was missing something. He felt her fingers tighten on his hand, and he unconsciously leaned toward her. Waiting for her to explain. 

“It was him.” The whispered words made no sense.

“Huh?” The tears came freely down her face now. He wanted to reach out, to wipe them away. To find out what was causing her so much despair.

“The voice in your head. It was Snoke. He was always there. Until you killed him.” The silence relented for the first time, replacing by a faint buzzing in his periphery. He heard her words, understood them, but they made no sense. 

“No.” He was surprised to hear how hoarse his own voice was. She was nodding slowly, her hand now painfully tight on his and her face glistened with tears. “He – no. I would have known. He couldn't -” His words cut off as his voice cracked, the truth of her realization hitting him in the chest. He could feel it in the Force around him, in the churning in his gut. The whispers during his childhood. The suggestions of future greatness. The calls to the Darkness during training sessions with Luke. The commands to capture her. He'd never doubted that voice. Had always obeyed, had trusted that it showed him the path he needed to take. Even once he'd joined Snoke, he had listened to that voice above all else. 

For the second time in the hour, he felt as though his whole being was going to float away, cease to exist as one unit. For the second time in the hour, it was the touch of her hand that held him to reality. He flipped his own over, palm up now, and grasped hers. Her own grip, still painfully tight, gave him something to focus on, something real that he could center himself around. 

He thought of the years he'd spent abiding by that voice, the commands he'd blindly followed. Had he ever felt the true influence of the Force? Had he ever made a right decision?

“We'll be there soon.” The whispered words from Rey helped him refocus on his body, on the ship around them. He glanced out in front of them, surprised to see how quickly the silhouette of the grey-white planet had grown. He tightened his grip on her hand. 

“I can't.” His voice was still hoarse, raspy. She turned quickly to stare at him, the wariness in her eyes igniting shame within him. “My mom. I can't...” Her gaze softened then, her brief worry that he hadn't quite changed sides melting into sympathy. He felt trapped, homeless, and he knew she could feel it through their bond. He couldn't walk into the Resistance and ask his mother to even look at him after all that he'd done. 

“Chewie said...” He watched her as she trailed off and swallowed hard. Her eyes flicked down to their hands before returning to his face. “He told me that Han knew he would probably die. And he didn't care. If there was a chance...” Her voice cracked then and she breathed in deeply. Ben couldn't breathe. “They just want you back. Home.” 

He wasn't aware that he was shaking his head until the world started to spin again, his lightheadedness surging back in full force. 

“How could she... after I...” He knew he wasn't making sense, and yet she seemed to catch his meaning every time. He wished he could voice what he wanted to say. 

“Because you're her son.” The steel in her tone surprised him until he thought of her own parents, disappearing when she was so young. Of course she wanted to him to try, if there was any kind of chance. He nodded. Her hand relaxed slightly, still holding tightly to his, but not painful now. They settled back into silence as they approached the atmosphere just ahead.

Rey fiddled with the comms system, desperately scanning through channels to try to connect with someone at the Resistance. Ben realized with a start that showing up in a First Order escape pod with no warning or communication would itself be a death sentence. He knew what he had to do. He hoped he had the strength to do it. 

He closed his eyes, settling his breathing as best he could as he reached out into the Force toward his mother. He could feel her presence, close now. There was no static or background whispers to distract him, leaving a clear outline of her Force signature in his senses. He brushed against it. The wave of shock that came off her nearly threw him out of his focus. 

He felt too unbalanced, too new to this feeling, to send any words across the space between them. He was relieved he had an excuse. He settled for projecting his surroundings to her, showing her the escape pod they were in, Rey sitting next to him. A wave of understanding floated to him, and he sighed in relief knowing she got the message. He blinked, refocused on his present surroundings and Rey still searching channels with shaking fingers. He reached forward and stilled her hand.

“It's okay. I... I showed my mom our ship. Through the Force.” Her eyebrows raised in surprise at his words and he managed a small smile. She dropped her hand from the control panel and studied him. 

“Thanks. I know you... thanks.” He could guess what she had almost said. _I know you don't want to talk to her. I know you're afraid. I know you have no idea what's going to happen._

The silence in the small ship remained as they entered the atmosphere, spotting the last of the Resistance ships disappearing through a pair of open blast doors built into a cliff. Rey followed, dipping low across the white surface of the planet before entering the base and touching down just inside. Activity appeared to have stopped, the remainder of the Resistance standing stock still and watching the First Order ship. Clearly Leia had notified everyone.

Rey opened the hatch on the escape pod and climbed out, jumping down to the ground but being caught partway by a man Ben vividly remembered from the week before. The brown eyes set in olive skin swiveled up to take him in and Ben felt the air leave his lungs as recognition, then fury, filled the pilot's face. He wanted to be anywhere but here.

“Poe, it's okay. He's here with me. It's... a long story.” Rey gently pushed Poe back, trying to avoid an immediate conflict. Ben made no effort to move, still seated in the escape pod. 

He felt Leia before he saw her. Her Force signature swirled with caution and curiosity, and he automatically stood. He could feel a tendril of hope there, too. He tried not to allow himself the same.

“Ben.” She whispered his name, but the sound cut through him to the bone and he staggered where he stood. _One step at a time_ , he decided. He climbed out of the pod, able to lower himself almost fully to the ground before letting go and falling the last few inches. As he landed and stood on shaky knees he felt Rey's hand catch his, her fingers lifting his in a momentary show of support. Her hand left like a ghost and he glanced back at her, surprised by the gesture in front of the Resistance. He missed the contact immediately, flexing his fingers as if to bring back the feeling of her own. 

His feet turned to lead as he approached Leia and air was hard to come by. He came to stand directly in front of her, resisting the urge to fall to his knees. He cleared his throat and opened his mouth to speak, but words did not come. His eyes fell to the toes of his boots. 

“Both of you, come with me.” The businesslike tone of his mother's voice surprised him and he found himself obeying before he even realized, Rey walking shoulder to shoulder with him as they left the main hangar for a smaller back room. 

The walk was much too short for Ben's liking and Leia closed the door behind the three of them before taking a seat and waiting. Rey finally broke the silence.

“I went to him. On the _Supremacy_. He killed Snoke.” He almost smiled at Rey's succinct description of the drama of the last few hours, but the urge to do so faded as he realized it meant he'd have to do more of the explaining. 

Leia's eyebrows shot up her forehead at Rey's statement and she turned to look at Ben. He felt himself shrink in his mother's stare and he was wrenched back in time to his childhood, standing in the kitchen of his parents' home being chastised for whatever social faux pas he'd committed most recently. 

“He wanted me to kill her.” He half expected his mother to ask him to speak up, the mumbled words barely audible to even his own ears. He watched curiously as Leia's face relaxed into a knowing smile, amusement clear in her eyes. 

“You may go, Rey. We'll talk later, but right now time is tight and we're expecting the First Order to show up any minute.” Ben wanted to ask her to stay, or even better, follow her out, but he held himself back, watching her turn and leave the room. He took a deep breath and met his mother's gaze again. 

“Ben. I can't tell you how happy I am that you're here. I barely allowed myself to hope. I hardly recognized your Force signature when you reached out to me, it's been so long.” Ben fully expected harsh words from his mother. He'd killed thousands. Followed Snoke religiously. Terrorized planets. Tortured Resistance members. Killed his father. Her kindness hurt more than criticism. He looked down at his boots again. Studied the floor. 

“Ben. What happened? What changed?” She seemed to sense the turmoil within him, her tone hushed now. He reminded himself to breathe, once again focusing on his heartbeat to ground himself. 

“I killed him.” He bit his lip, knowing he once again wasn't making sense. He couldn't form the words he needed. 

“Because of Rey.” He nodded. “Because he was going to kill her?” He nodded again. “You came back because of her.” The wonder in his mother's voice was evident and he cringed as he shook his head. He continued staring at the ground beneath his feet and he heard his mother sigh.

“Ben, talk to me. I want to understand.” He felt his legs tremble and decided to sit down before he embarrassed himself. He dropped to the floor where he stood, resting on his knees. His mother mirrored him, reaching out for an instant as if to take his hand before pausing and retreating. He wasn't sure if he was relieved or disappointed. 

“Did Rey ever tell you about our bond?” Leia didn't even need to answer, the look of surprise flashing across her face answer enough. “Since I... captured her. We can feel each other. Appear to each other, sometimes. We can't control that part.” Leia waited.

“That- she... she was the only thing louder than him.” He exhaled, the breath gusting from his body as he finished forcing the words out. He watched his mother's brow furrow.

“Louder? Louder than who?” He tried to ground himself once more. He knew what would happen when he told her what Rey had figured out about Snoke, and he knew he wasn't prepared.

“Louder than Snoke. In my head. She was the only one who... I had to kill him. For her. To save her. Then he was gone. For the first time. I never knew he was there, the whole time. I never knew...” His voice broke and he trailed off. He watched the words wash over his mother, watched them sink in, watched her eyes widen. She raised a hand to her mouth. 

“What do you mean 'the whole time,' Ben?” Her voice shook as she whispered to him. 

He knew Rey was right about his mother believing in him, caring about him. He knew she still loved him. And yet, in the present moment he wished the truth were anything but, because he knew he was about to break her heart. 

“My whole life.” He spoke lowly, unable to strengthen his voice and unwilling to strengthen the impact of his words any more than necessary. Leia was silent, but the tears quickly forming in her eyes told him she'd heard him. Suddenly she was directly in front of him, knees touching his, her arms wrapping as far as they could around his shoulders. He froze. 

“Ben... I didn't... how did he...” Her broken words were punctuated by harsh breaths that were slowly turning to sobs. 

“He whispered. Told me things. I thought it was normal. The Force. After I killed him... after, it was quiet. For the first time.” He would have continued forcing words out but he was cut off, his mother's hair taking up his vision as she clutched him to her, her body shaking as her tears soaked his shoulder. He was surprised to find tears leaking from his own eyes, too. 

Minutes passed, or possibly hours, with neither of them letting go. The feeling in his knees had long since gone by the time he drew a breath and relaxed his grip on her, sitting up slightly. She squeezed him once more before reluctantly releasing him. He stood up shakily, testing his weight as pins and needles invaded his lower legs, before extending a hand to Leia to help her to her feet. They faced each other again, silent. 

The silence in his head, for the first time, felt welcome. His world seemed to gain some balance as he shared the small room with his mother and he could almost call the silence peaceful. He took a deep breath. 

“I don't remember his voice ever not being there. It wasn't as demanding, when I was a kid. But it was always there. And then you started teaching me about the Force, and I thought that's what you meant. So I listened to it. Always. I did everything it told me to. And then when you... when I went to Luke, it got worse. The night he... that night, it told me to run to Snoke. I never would have...” He trailed off, only now noticing his mother's hand was still encased in his. He squeezed it gently.

“It didn't sound like him. I never realized. I thought I was doing what the Force wanted. I never questioned anything. And then with Rey... that was the first time anything ever drowned it out. I couldn't follow his orders. She's...” He hesitated, trying to find the words, and Leia smiled softly, understanding anyway. 

“When she showed up today, I knew as soon as I saw her what I had to do. I thought maybe she was supposed to join me.” He laughed harshly, recalling his fervent desire to have her rule by his side. It felt like a lifetime ago. “He told me to kill her, and I killed him instead. And when we finished fighting off his guards I noticed it. That the voice... it was gone. I thought I'd lost the Force. I didn't know what happened. Rey figured it out.”

He once again found himself enveloped in his mother's arms, this time calmer, more comforting than desperate.

“Ben... that's why your Force signature is different, isn't it? It was never just you.” He was beginning to feel more solid, the presence of Leia a welcome one now. “We never knew. I thought it was because of me, my father. I thought Luke...” He stiffened slightly at the name but didn't try to say anything. That was another difficult conversation for another time. 

“Your father was right, we never should have let you go. If we'd known... why didn't I know? Why couldn't I tell? My own son...” he held her tighter as her voice broke, anchoring himself as well as he felt his legs weaken again.

“He... I'm sorry, Mom.” He could barely force the words out. Her arms drew impossibly tight around him, and maybe that's why he felt like he couldn't breathe.

“You fought it so long, didn't you? Don't be sorry. You fought him alone. We never knew. We never knew.” Leia continued the mantra, speaking the words into Ben's shoulder where they found their way deeper, lighting a small flame in his soul that began chasing away the shadows. Each one that was swallowed up by the flickering light within lifted a weight from his shoulders. It wasn't until the door was flung open and Rey burst through breathless that he stepped back.

“The First Oder's here, we're evacuating out the back.” Rey's panted words were accompanied by a questioning glance. Ben smiled at her, a soft, fragile thing, and she beamed in return. The flame grew brighter. He made towards the doorway as Rey turned around and left, and Leia's hand caught his elbow. 

“We'll find time to talk more later, but nothing's ever made me happier than having you home, Ben.”

The silence wasn't deafening anymore, he realized. It left room for hope, and for love.


End file.
